Everybody Knows It Hurts to Grow Up

So is this what we get when we add a year to our ages?

It hurts to add a year more when ironically we should feel more blessed when we're a year older. Sometimes at night, I think of easier ways to get through this. And sometimes I wish, it would be easy flash-backing to the memories wherein a simple bruise in our knees was enough for us to brawl about.

I had so many plans in the future but none of them are giving me signs that show it will all happen. I've been making my own pain-in-the-ass decisions recently and I'm all fucked up. Sometimes I could think of, fuck, I'm such a real mess. No decent decisions or whatsoever.

This late afternoon, my co-teacher texted me that she's already been accepted by her new employer without due respect resigning to our employer first. It was her problem WHICH became my problem, too. She's on her 5th month at our work, while I'm on my 6th, and yet, she's there, planning to resign by tomorrow. And I'm like, naloko na, naunahan pa ako magresign sa putragis na work na yan.


I'm kinda stupid on giving her an advice that says,"I'm with you in your decision to leave the work and give yourself a favor by leaving the work that WE don't deserve". While, I, myself, is not giving my own self a favor (fuck that, redundancy all over). Okay, this is me now, accepting the incident that she's resigning and I, will suffer my own consequences for being so unassertive and being the one left with the work.

Work is a bitch. No more social life, for once and my time for school works, are compromised. I'm gaining a lot of experiences but I'm not being kind to myself by not doing my self a favor. And here I am, ranting on the same stuff. Fuck that.

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To change topic, I've been listening to "Still Fighting It" by Ben Folds. And I caught myself in tears with the song and I thought of my parents on how do they see me now. I wanted to tell them, "Hey, look at me now. Did you miss the times you're picking me up from school?". But all I really wanted to tell them was, I needed them so much now. But I can't think of ways how to approach them about my concerns.

I felt sorry for being stubborn all these times, trying to cover up the feeling of so much neediness. All these times, grumpiness are equated to growing up pains. And it really sucks. And it's really heartbreaking to grow old.

And I'd be sorry if my son or daughter in the future would be sorry like me. Afraid for them to be so much like me. Real afraid. :(