Now

“The hardest period in life is one’s 20s. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.” - Helen Mirren

I've been exclusively dating my laptop since 2nd week of March, all day and all night. At first, I thought, this is the time I wanted--rest. I think I never rested much since I graduated from college since I pressured myself to enroll in graduate school at once and hurried to get my first job experience. Now, it's all exhausting, but what's more exhausting is to look at the whole world doing nothing. I've done something lately, yes, learning independence. I've moved out in a new apartment, guess what, me alone, all over. No more friends to hear my fuckin' rants (although, I can still cross the road literally to have a chit chat with them). 

And this, at first, even I only got a very small space, I WAS happy with it. I even decorated the walls so I can feel home-y. I stayed in for a week now, and it's suffocating me now and mom advised me to take home some stuffs. I did it but it's just hard to let go of some junks. So to let go of them ultimately, I donated them to Segunda Mana. This is crazy at first, but I learned to let go. I felt some guilt but this is part of growing up.

What kills me even more is that I have to clean my space every now and then which robs my precious time with the internet. I'm even lazy to go out and eat my meal and now, I'm just getting 2 meals a day (brunch-because I wake up during 11am for a breakfast and lunch combo AND dinner with a midnight snack combo). So much for starving myself and for being a cheapskate! 

Next month, I'd be experiencing to pay my own bills--I really don't like doing these. I have to restrict myself using too much electricity and keep myself being OC in taking a bath three times a day. I also have to call water station to deliver my drinking water and others.. This is crazy. Being semi-adult. With a mom who constantly reminds me to put my stuffs ALL in order.

I envy everyone who has work now. I'm planning to get into HR to explore this kind of opportunity but was lazy to continue with my pending applications (I even turned down a final interview, tsktsk). I'm not after the salary (well, konti) but I have to feed my bank account, with these growing responsibilities of semi-quarter life crisis. I felt so enthusiastic to multi-task yet I feel incompetent in the plans I want to do.

Now tell me, am I the only one who feels this?